PsyCHoSociaList

Hey people,

I went through a lot of things recently. Some of them almost pushed me to the edge, and when i meant the edge, i meant EPIC edge. I almost became violent, pushing away those around me. I had to, cos i was suffocating beneath all the troubles i can't seem to handle.

But I am to blame too. Maybe, I could have done more. I could have been more patient and understanding.

I pray that that the rumoured silver lining would appear very soon, before I lose myself to the sadness that feels like a vise around my consciousness. I want to disappear. Disappear into the nothingness that has always been my refuge since secondary school, since anytime.

It has never been easy. I look on others' lives and feel their happiness radiating, comparing to my minuscule self, pathetic and ambivalent. I wonder if I deserve anything better, if i should have better friends, or better family, or wealth. But i never know. The moment i start to consider my destinies, i feel my loneliness constricting my actions, retreating into the shell, that i carefully cultivated, always aiming to divert others' attention away from my troubles.

I have never been honest to myself and wonder if i should start. Maybe i should go.